Part I - On the book

I had finished reading the book,"Never Say Die". Good book!! Here are some of Dr. Chris's sharing. Remember he was a very famous Head and Neck surgeon at Royal Prince Alfred Hospital in Australia.

Dr. Chris said,"On the afternoon of Saturday, 25 November 2006 when it was found that I had a highly malignant brain tumor.

The first warning that a mass of mutant brain cells was proliferating in my head like a spider's web came three days earlier.... I gave little thought to its possible cause, took a couple of paracetamol tablets and readied my self for the drive to RPA for morning rounds"

My feeling: In 2005 when the doctor told me that I had one big size tumor in my Liver, I know this was no good but I was not understanding much what happening around me as I felt nothing, no tired, no pain and very look healthy woman. What I know was I had cancer and will kill me soon. When I looked at Robins on that ugly day at doctor clinic, his face was turned into red with tear around his eyes.

Later what I felt was I am so scare to leave my son (that time he was only 10 years old), alone.

Dr. Chris said, " I tried my best to reassure and calm my broken-hearted wife, who dragged her self forward bravely only to have the small gains she made in restoring calmness......... That night we talked for hours about the state of our collapsing world...."

My feeling: My situation was different. Robins is very good at not showing his emotion or feeling. Till today Robins did not tell me what he really feel when I was sick, well.... not sick, I was never sick even no one fever just 2 operations and here I am. Looking back It is a "Miracle" for me that I am doing so well.

Actually I am the one who talk to him. I remembered the one I repeat constantly to him was... "You are not allowed to remarry till my son turn into "18" years old." Here I simply admitted to my readers. The love that you have to your Husband and the love that you have for your Child is different. How do I say??? OK here goes like this..... I love Robins but I wont' die for him. I love my son but I can die for him if there is a choice to do so. Am I a bitch???

Dr. Chris said, "Gail (his wife), was too loving and attractive to be alone forever and wondered whom she might remarry and what would become of the house. We sat together for hours combing quietly through our passionately devoted relationship and I shed my own bitterly sad tears in equal proportion to Gail's."

My feeling: I had seen or am seeing those men who said love their wives so much but the minutes the wife die their eyes are on the next woman or women! Some last one years some last only 3 months. Some are so bastards that even the wife is not dead yet already got one new wife!! May be "Can't live a lone" type of men.

For me I do not care Robins remarry or not but I do very much care about he is remarrying before my son turn into 18 if I die. That's my problem. The reason is..... 1. He will be busy honeying, I mean.... licking the new woman's what ever to please her. 2. No time for my son. 3. My son might not like his father's new wife. 4. My son will be alone while the daddy was having fun....etc..
Am I a bitch??

The rest I do not worry about Robins at all, he knows how to taking care of himself (good at it too), he is materially no need to worry but I don't know he will get a good wife as me or not... That's his problem not mine once I die I no need to worry all these @#$%! (I am not saying shit here. Just do not know how to put in English)

Dr. Chris said, "This sudden (but really quite crazy) preoccupation with selling our own comfortable home and moving into a far smaller cottage become a resuscitating diversion that allowed both Gail and me the opportunity to gulp in enough oxygen to feel that, irrespective of the outcome of my illness, a measure of control had been achieved."

My feeling: I never ever thought a famous doctor will face financial problem when got hit by the Cancer. Yes I know it is very very expensive as my own experiences but I did not know that a well know doctor can face beside cancer more over finance. (In his case I should say...., Somehow I do understand as he had 4 surgeries)

I also do not know hows in Australia but in US most well know doctor ( Also professor in Medical School) makes 500,000 US$ per years. For me it is alot!! Some even may make more than that.

I know how much cost me and still costing me for my medicine but I just do not want to think about it. Nothing I can do beside give me headache when I am thinking about my insurance and my cost of living now.

I got to stop here as I need to go for exercise. See you on next blog!!