Mommy

We are leaving holiday very soon! My Robins is going to USA to see his father who is not so well. Me and my son are going up north of Thailand to my second house to be with my grand mother who is 95 this year (Chinese year).

This is not the first time my family are not together in this Chirstmas season. Once Shan was only 5 years old Robins was not at home but the Molly Jocobson's family took me and Shan to be with her family Christmas...... was fun!!! I still vividly remembered that day. Thank you Molly.

Robins celebrared Christmas with his shrimps for 2 or 3 years at the farms in Belize without us. In Bangkok he even goes to the office on 25th of December for each year of Christmas. That's mean 9 years of Christmas. I have no idea what the motive is..................? Wanted to be a good workers than a good family man? Who's knows?? I bet the office will understand if he is off on the Christmas day. For me if the office piss off, let it be as Christmas comes once a year and I have a good reason to be at home. (Remember my last blog??? Is this clearly as conditional love and care???).

I am starting to clean up my closets as many clothes which I do not wear them but hanging in there for a long time. Then I clean up my handbags. One of the handbags, in there some papers and cards that I even did not remember which I save it for more than 20 years.

I have Hong Kong residency card, my US embassy card, some cards and a very old old paper in that bag. I opened that very old frayed paper and look at it. It was my mother last letter to me which she wrote in the hospital. It hit me right a way back like a movie and it hurt!! Yes I read it again.

Here is what my mother said to me in this letter dated 25th May 1988.

"Dear Cca,

(Cca is my nick name comes from Rebbecca which my mother first choice but my father wants it as Helen)

Mommy can't eat nothing since Friday . It's real pain even just drinking water. The hospital can't find the reason why but mommy feel so weak. (Actually my mom knew she was not going to make it except our God's will. She was a nurse and seeing her situation, yes she knows!)

Such time as some one of the family is very sick, please understand the situation and understand each others. (My mom said that because I was with my step father and Moses, my little adopted brother, at home. I dislike my stepfather. Actually it was my fault he was nice to my mother but I just young and may be I can only accepted as a father only my real father and not him).

There is nothing impossible with our God. (Yes I am totally agree with my mom that God is in control but in thy will not in our will. Imagine that if we get everything what we pray for ??? We human will be spoil and God is not God anymore right??? i.e. if you pray for someone to hurt???)

Please keep special time and pray 3 times a day for mommy. (I honestly admitted here. I did not pray 3 times a day for my mother. I was faith without action situation. Think it back I just worried what will be happened to me if my mom pass a way. I was only 101 lbs as the worrying was killing me slowly also.)

Taking care of Moses too please! (Moses is an adopted son of my mother. He was just only 3 months. Now he is doing well in Germany by the blessing.) He is a baby and knows nothing age. (I even did not know how to make a milk bottle when me and Moses left alone at home. We were tiaking time like I was with my mom day time and her husband mostly at night)

Do not use money but save it only for necessary. Mommy does not know what will need for me. If you are so tired you no need to come and see mommy each day.

Write to Rangoon with attention Nang Kwoi for mommy please. ( Nang Kwoi, She is a Kachine woman who taking care of my grandmother and my 2 stepbrothers back in Rangoon.) Mommy hasn't get any news from her.

Mommy"

It was very sad and hurt me to read my mother's letter again. She died with many worries in her mind. I wish she see me that I am doing well with Robins (not perfect but very well), and a beautiful grand child, my son.

My mom worried about her 2 sons, my step brothers. She asked me to taking care of them. Yes me and some one is helping out till this year. Mom worried about her mother, my grandmother but now my grand ma is a nice place and very happy. A lady who trust in God that one day she will reunite with her daughter, my mommy.

She was very worried about me a lone in a brand new country but I was well taking care of our heavenly father. My mother last conversation with me was............ "Where is Robins??" Do not ask me why? I have no answer for that only my mommy can answer it.

PS. When my mother died I was still single.

Love with conditional or unconditional

Sometime people are talking about "Unconditional Love"! I might be wrong but for me this unconditional love is a kind of "Stupid Love"! Even people who believe in this unconditionally love, do you really think that they do practice in their real life???? Hell NO! Some use it as an excusing themselves.

I practice this way! I am trying to be kind, helpful and thoughtful but do not kick me I will kick you back or I ignore it. Not Christian way to say so but why I am the one have to be Christian and why not the other round some time?

As a cancer survivor I am still reading time to time some articles written by cancer survivors about how the relationship between couple, family and friends become so strong. It did not happened to me. I am so thankful that I am still with my son but there is always problem.

This unconditional love do not work after marrying 19 years to a totally stranger. Well such love never occurred in the beginning either.

Got my new liver after that the part of taking care of this new liver is so expensive. On top of that Insurance has no mercy. They increasing each year and my stranger said this year will cost him 70,000 US$! Yes family life become condition love in such problem.

I am getting so uncomfortable to live with someone who always say something which I can't not help. Hard to become a happy person knowing that someone you live with is can't even talk normal voice but angry voice with the angry face expression most of the time. Then turned around and asking me "Why are you angry??" Yes I am discomfort with unhappy people around me.

Unconditional love does not work with me if the person is.........

-Doing things as duty or responsible but not come out sincerely from the heart.
-Doing thing behind me without let me know.
-Cheating, trying to cheat or thinking about to cheat.
-Thinking about others more than own family (this including wife, son, mother, father, brother or sister)

Sincerely I admitt it. I do not love my husband uncondtionally love. Say even IF I have it before this will never last!

Christmas is ahead actually very soon. How can I celebrate sincerely for this very special occasion for me?? I was so happy to see our church paper said, "What Christmas means to God".

-what if this year at Christmas time, we concentrated less, on the parties and the shopping that bring headaches, strain and stress?

-What if this year we'd cut back on our lights an decorations, and spend more of our energy on faithful celebration?

-What if we took some time this year to travel back in thought, to a Holy Night in Bethlehem and the peace our Savior brought?

-What if we listen carefully for the angels' song at night, and contemplate the shining star that gave the world new light?

-And what if we all followed the path the wise men trod? Perhaps we'd start to understand what Christmas means to God!

For me only Christ has unconditionally love beside....... NO ONE ON EARTH!